The Ghosts…

I am as intrigued by the disfigured, terrifying, avenging/killing-for-fun, magical, screaming sub-variety as the next guy. In fact I’m fascinated by the idea of such ghosts. This time however, I’m not going to discuss them. I have a much more mild variety in my mind and somehow I dread them more.

Recently I came to stay back in a place where I had been for the past few years while all the familiar faces around me packed their bags and left. I did not think anything of it at the time. I knew I had reasons to stay back and there was no other way. I had made my peace with being alone. There are new people around but they will never be friends. It’s only now that I realise how mistaken I was. I think all of us are essentially alone always vying to find someone to fill up the void around us. We succeed temporarily when we make friends, spend time with them. Invariably, we end up alone when we go to sleep, although with the promise of finding them by our side again. No matter how hard we try we can’t make people a part of ourselves in a way which will make us feel accompanied when they are physically away. So, based on this hypothesis I made up my mind to be alone while I”m awake too. It’s not like I don’t have friends here at all but the time spent with them is very limited and sort of fixed. This brings me to my problem with the ghosts.

I thought I had prepared well for being alone but imagine my surprise when I walked past the room previously occupied by one of my closest friends and seeing the door ajar, had the strongest of urges to barge in. I could feel him sitting on the chair just beyond the door. Only if I pushed it wide open……

I was fully aware that someone else is the occupant now but the pain of that moment has never really left me. The presence I sensed that day, well, that’s my ghost for you. Ghost of a memory. I had frequent encounters with such ghosts after that day. Some other friend’s rooms, sometime walking down a familiar corridor, standing beside a familiar rock, listening to a song that was an anthem for us at some point in time, walking down the memory lane but only with the ghosts for company. Unpleasant! These are on the downward curve now but every now and then there’s still some surprise behind some nook or some cranny that springs at me with jaws of pain and leaves me rattled.

However, I’ll say this that these ghosts have not been without their benefits. They have made me more appreciative of what I have. The people whom I befriended over the years, I have always taken them for granted. Not anymore, not ever again. Someone said that the art of loving lies in making the use of suffering. At this rate, I m going to get quite adept at it. This knowledge is somehow irenic and disturbing at the same time.